


i wish i were heather

by ggeorgeforeman



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Based on a Conan Gray Song, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Marquis de Lafayette, Song: Heather (Conan Gray), mentions of Eliza and Peggy Schuyler, mentions of Hercules Mulligan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:28:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27890767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ggeorgeforeman/pseuds/ggeorgeforeman
Summary: Alex comes home and finds John singing Heather by Conan Gray while crying.Except... John doesn't know Alex is there.... And Alex doesn't know that John is crying because of Alex.(this is my first fic posted on ao3, it's better than it seems!)
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50





	i wish i were heather

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this while listening to maniac on repeat, so... it's better than it seems, trust me! i think?

John stood numbly against one of the window walls in his and Alexander’s shared apartment. His eyes were half-lidded as he thought about how perfectly Conan Gray’s song matched up perfectly with his unrequited love for Alex. All of John’s limbs were numb -- his arms, legs, hands, feet, you name it -- except for his heart. His heart was aching, already shattered in a million tiny bits. Unconsciously, John started to mumble, “I still remember, third of December…” 

He began to remember back in winter when Alex let John borrow one of Alex’s favorite King’s College sweatshirts. John remembers how Alex had requested his sweatshirt to be two sizes bigger than he should have gotten, so John ended up swimming in the sweater. “Me in your sweater,” John sang quietly with a chuckle at the memory of swatting Alex with the extra-long sleeves of the sweater as they made their way back to their apartment after a day of doing absolutely nothing while touring New York. 

Little did John know, but Alex had returned home barely even a minute ago and could hear John’s soft voice in the living room. The highly-successful lawyer had turned the corner to listen to the beautiful voice when he saw John at his worst. John’s hair was in its normal ponytail -- all fluffy on the ends. However, there were locks of hair spilling out and framed his face in small knots. John’s freckled cheeks had glistening tear tracks staining the soft skin. John obviously didn’t hear Alexander come in, for John was staring at the bright lights of New York City as the world moved on without another thought of his sadness. 

“You said it looked better on me than it did you,” John continued flawlessly. John smiled at another memory of Alex making a remark that John looked good in everything. “Only if you knew how much I liked you.” John’s smile faded into a thin line. “But I watch your eyes as she walks by, what a sight for sore eyes…” John remembered the first time he and Alex saw Eliza in the small family-owned cafe by Central Park. She was dressed in a pale blue skirt with a white t-shirt and a blue cardigan. Alex wouldn’t keep his eyes off her that day -- one of John’s least favorite days. John felt as if Alex ignored him as he struck up a conversation with Eliza. “Brighter than a blue sky. She’s got you mesmerized while I die…” 

It’s not that John dislikes Eliza -- she’s one of John’s closest friends. Other than Peggy and Alex, of course. Peggy is probably gayer than John, which is probably why they are closer than Peggy is with her own sisters. John thought back to the day he and Alex were at the Schuylers’ Christmas party. He and Alex had been caught underneath the mistletoe. Peggy had shoved John into Alex’s grasp, the two men’s lips colliding unskillfully. “Why would you ever kiss me? I’m not even half as pretty.”

John thinks back to the day when Alex gave Eliza Alex’s old high school varsity football jacket. She was so happy she almost teared up. “You gave her your sweater. It’s just polyester, but you like her better. Wish I were Heather.” John’s voice cracked as he let his emotion spill into his singing. He shut his eyes as if he could pretend he was living in a dream where he would wake up to something better. 

John’s head leaned back a tiny bit, emitting a soft thud from the window where his head was now resting. “Watch as she stands with her holding your hand. Put your arm around her shoulder, now I’m getting colder,” John mumbled with pure emotion serving as his adrenaline. Eliza had always wanted as much physical affection from Alex as possible -- one of the things John wished he could hate, but couldn’t. “But how could I hate her? She’s such an angel. But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she walks by…” John could feel a new wave of the same emotions ready to overcome him as he sings.

“What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than a blue sky. She’s got you mesmerized, while I die…” John’s eyes welled up with more tears. The song was filled with complete accuracy to his life. 

Alex was still standing there, watching John sing while he held back his tears. Alex brought a hand up to his mouth, not ready to believe that John kept these emotions from him. He didn’t dare make a sound -- even though he already couldn’t physically make a sound, he was too choked up.

“Why would you ever kiss me? I’m not even half as pretty.” John squeezed his eyes shut a little harder, trying to make this nightmare end. Alex’s brows knit together, angry that John could sing such a line. John was prettier than anyone he knew. Even prettier than Eliza.

“You gave her your sweater, it’s just polyester. But you like her better -- I wish I were Heather!” John cried out, letting his emotions crack. His eyes flowed out a new batch of tears, almost like a dam breaking. “Oh, oh, wish I were Heather.” John squinted his eyes shut as hard as he could as he slammed his back against the window, slowly sliding down. “Oh, oh, wish I were Heather.” John was slouched on the ground now, back hunched over, legs bent but sprawled out underneath him, and right shoulder leaning against the window. His forehead made a thud noise onto the glass. 

John continued, still oblivious to the fact that Alex had been listening to John the whole time. “Why w-would you ever kiss me?” John’s voice was no longer singing. He was croaking out the words one by one, finishing the song. He would pause in between some of the words, sniffing or swallowing back another sob. “I’m not even h-half as p-pretty.” He held in another sob. “You gave her your sweater. It’s just polyester, but you like her better…” John breathed in heavily, not sure if he could keep going. “Wish I were…” John barely finished the last line before letting out a sob that had been kept in for way too long. His right hand came up and pinched the bridge of his nose as he bawled.

Alex stood there, awed by his friend. Finally, gathering enough courage, Alex stepped toward the crying artist. “John?” Alex called out quietly, barely audible. John heard it, Alex could tell by the way John tensed up. 

“How much of that did you hear?”

“... All of it.” By now Alex was kneeling on the ground beside John. Brushing John’s matted hair out of the freckled boy’s face, he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me someone made you feel like this?” 

John was silent, leaning into Alex’s touch. “Would… *hic* would it be weird if... If I said I feel like this because of… you?”

Alex froze and cocked his head to the side. “You’re jealous of me and Eliza? I thought you were gay? Or did Eliza somehow turn you bi?” 

John blinked. Holy, shit was this guy stupid. “Wha? N-no! I mean, not that I dislike Eliza, she’s so nice--”

“Wait, so you don’t like Eliza?” 

Sometimes John didn’t understand how Alex was so oblivious. “No, n-not like that. It’s… it’s you, Alex. I like you.”

Alex sat there, slowly letting his hand fall from John’s cheek. This is the part where I prepare for rejection. John thought glumly, wincing. 

Without any warning, Alex’s hands made their way back up to John’s cheeks and slammed Alex’s lips against John’s. John flailed a bit, surprised by the sudden action. His eyes were wide, wider than ever before. Even wider than the time John had accidentally walked in on Hercules and Lafayette making out on the couch. After processing what was happening, John wrapped his arms around Alex’s neck, pulling him closer. 

John was the first to pull away, breaking off to catch his breath. Alex leaned his forehead against John’s and whispered, “So my feelings weren’t unrequited.”

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments and kudos! this was my first fic posted on ao3, i'd love to hear what you think!!


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